Desires vs. Expectations

I have been married for nearly two years (my wife Ina and I celebrate our anniversary this December) and we are both so tremendously blessed to begin our life together with Jesus at the center of it. Apart from being reborn in Christ, we consider our relationship with each other as the next most important Startup we will ever undertake.  We have therefore taken it upon ourselves to INVEST IN OUR MARRIAGE AS AGGRESSIVELY AS POSSIBLE, participating in church led activities for couples like Marriage Boosters and a recently concluded Couples Retreat.  I have discovered that there are a large number of  practical tools, resources, and insights that are available for married couples out there, but I am reminded through Andy Stanley’s message “I Marriage”, that  God’s grace, again, ultimately paves the way.

Pastors often cite the fact that divorce rates worldwide are high for Christians and non-Christians alike.  This unsettling reality and its root cause is discussed in a simple but powerful message by Andy Stanley, lead pastor of North Point Community Church in Georgia.  He explains that marital strife is usually resolved by couples in three ways.

1)     Leave, as evidenced by aforementioned divorce rates.

2)     Conquer, where logic (generally a male trait) usually trumps emotion (generally female), or

3)     Compromise, which is not sustainable over time.

Andy goes on to explain that marital strife begins when legitimate God given desires turn into expectations. Generally, a husband may desire food on the table when he comes home from work; a clean house; chores taken care of; behaved children; and for his wife to remain physically fit and sexually attractive for him.  And generally, a wife may desire financial security, a big house, annual vacations and the like from her husband.  When these desires transform into expectations, the relationship becomes one of debt and debtor, premised on “YOU OWE ME”.  Romance, intimacy, community and love disappear.  Marriage is no longer a gift and covenant but a contract.  Marriage becomes merely about meeting and managing expectations and it becomes increasingly difficult to say “I love you.”  Gratefulness and acts of service disappear because you EXPECT your husband to provide for you financially and you EXPECT your wife to have dinner prepared for you every night, when conversely, gratefulness and acts of service alongside acceptance, acknowledgement and assurance should serve as the basis for our marriages.  We are to unconditionally love the gift of our spouses from God.

How then do we transition from expectations back to desire?  Do our spouses owe us anything?  The right response in a Christ-centered marriage is that our spouses owe us ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Marriage is not conducted with two big “I”s, but with a cross.

(Ephesians 5:21) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

(Ephesians 5:22) Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

(Ephesians 5:25) Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her.

We are commanded to love our spouses – not because of how lovable they are; not because they earned or deserved our love; but because of Christ’s mercy for us; because Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

Why did God design marriage this way?  Because God wants us to know His love.  I love my wife as a reflection of Our Heavenly Father’s love for my wife.   God has chosen the husband and wife relationship to channel His love, for us to feel His love tangibly and physically, not just through song, worship, or our reading of His Word.  It is God’s design.

Andy offers some practical steps to begin facilitating for this paradigm shift:

1)     Do not demand of your spouse.

2)     Be wary of reminding  (as it is a slow way of demanding).

3)     Do not criticize each other when things are heated (the dentist does not pull a tooth when there is an infection).

4)     No Bible darts!  Do not throw Bible verses to manipulate and control each other.

5)     Ask each other: “Where do you feel pressured, where have I placed undue expectations?”

Biblical humility teaches us to freely choose to put another’s interests ahead of ours.  Let’s give God an opportunity to work and lead our marriages through His grace.